A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the
sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for
me at kickboxing.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go
to bed with me and she said 'no'.
A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough
to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials.
A hard man is good to find.
A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald but if he has
fire, women will like him.
A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's
Zsa Zsa Gabor
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it is written on.
A woman drove me to drink, and I never even had the courtesy
to thank her.
A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.
Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you
are the statue.
Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've
got it made.
Ah, beer, my one weakness. My achilles heel, if you will.
Ah, good ol' trustworthy beer. My love for you will never
All animals are equal but some are more equal than others.
All the things I really like are either immoral, illegal or
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy.
No man does. That's his.
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and
then success is sure.
Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed.
Always do right - this will gratify some and astonish the
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.
An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away.
Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy
your children will not have declared you legally insane in
order to gain control of your estate.
Another such victory, and we are undone.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.
As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" - probably
because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no fibs.
Avoid employing unlucky people. Throw half of the pile of
CVs in the bin without reading them.
Bart, stop pestering Satan!
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all
kinds of useful things like...love!
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be in my bath and she'd
come in and sink my boats.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you, it is more
likely to be female.
But a lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it: it
would be hell on earth.
George Bernard Shaw
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy;
if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.