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Topic: Funny Quotes - Funny Sayings, Funniest Quotes S-T
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She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.
Woody Allen

She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success, wrong by wrong.
Mae West

Show me a good loser and I'll show you a LOSER!
David Brent

Sit down Rodney. Keep your brains warm.
Derek ‘Del boy’ Trotter

Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle.
Woody Allen

Some guy hit my fender and I said "be fruitful and multiply" but not in those words.
Woody Allen

Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.
Joseph Heller
In Catch-22.

Some people say there is a God; others say there is no God. The truth probably lies somewhere in between.
W.B. Yeats

Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I don't like that attitude. I can assure them it is much more serious than that.
Bill Shankly

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
W. C. Fields

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
W. C. Fields

Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!
Homer Simpson

Stop thinking, and end your problems.
Lao Tzu

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of congress. But I repeat myself.
Mark Twain

Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.
Homer Simpson

Thank God I'm an atheist.
Luis Bunuel

That [sex] was the most fun I ever had without laughing.
Woody Allen

That's the Irish people all over - they treat a joke as a serious thing, and a serious thing as a joke.
Sean O'Casey

The Americans will always do the right thing . . . After they've exhausted all the alternatives.
Winston Churchill

The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet and Doctor Merryman.
Jonathan Swift

The best way to behave is to misbehave.
Mae West

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
Brendan Behan

The Book of Life begins with a man and a woman in a garden…It ends with Revelations.
Oscar Wilde

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Woody Allen

The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
William Shakespeare

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
Groucho Marx

The ideal form of government is democracy tempered with assassination.

If we see light at the end of the tunnel, It's the light of the oncoming train.
Robert Lowell

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
Jilly Cooper

The minute that you read something that you can't understand, you can almost be sure it was drawn up by a lawyer.
Will Rogers

The more I see of men, the more I like dogs.
Madame de Stael
Also attributed to Madame Roland.

The more I see of the moneyed classes, the more I understand the guillotine.
George Bernard Shaw

The only difference between doctors and lawyers is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you, too.
Anton Chekhov

The Prime Minister has nothing to hide from the President of the United States.
Winston Churchill
Stepping from his bath in presence of President Roosevelt.

The realisation that one is to be hanged in the morning concentrates the mind wonderfully.
Samuel Johnson

The report of my death was an exaggeration.
Mark Twain

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
Mark Russell

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
Groucho Marx

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age.
Lucille Ball

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.
Oscar Wilde

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