If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.
If you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will
If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the
prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.
If you're gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes
- make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast.
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're
not doing anything very innovative.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when
it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder
is a thrill.
I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm
very pleased to be anywhere.
I'm not a fighter, I have bad reflexes. I was once run over
by a car being pushed by two guys.
I'm not normally a religious man, but... if you're up there,
save me, Superman!
I'm really a timid person - I was beaten up by Quakers.
I'm tired, send one of them home.
When told there were 10 men waiting to meet her in her dressing-room.
In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol and it was the worst 20
minutes of my life.
In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they
make it into TV shows.
In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker.
In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting
what one wants, and the other is getting it.
Income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.
Intellectuals are like the mafia; they only kill their own.
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite.
This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people
who can never remember where they have left things.
Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see
Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect
It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless of
course you are an exceptionally good liar.
Jerome K. Jerome
It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly
not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
It is most unwise for people in love to marry.
George Bernard Shaw
It is perfectly monstrous the way people go about nowadays
saying things against one, behind one's back, that are absolutely
and entirely true.
It is very easy to endure the difficulties of one's enemies.
It is the successes of one's friends that are hard to bear.
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I
can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties
It's better to be looked over than overlooked.
It's not the men in my life that counts, it's the life in
It's not the people who are in prison that worry me. It's
the people who aren't.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of
the fight in the dog.
It's not true I had nothing on. I had the radio on.
On posing nude for a calendar photograph.
It's not what I do, but the way I do it. It's not what I say,
but the way I say it.
It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can
remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
It's not our fault our generation has short attention spans,
Dad. We watch an appalling amount of TV.
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there
when it happens.
It's the team that matters. Where would The Beatles be without
Ringo? If John got Yoko to play drums the history of music
would be completely different.
It's worse than dog eats dog. It's dog doesn't return dog's