My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years
and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider
divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.
Never do today that which will become someone else's responsibility
Never give a sucker an even break.
W. C. Fields
Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder
is in the room.
Never take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
No great genius has ever existed without some touch of madness.
Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
Nothing succeeds like excess.
Now that women are jockeys, baseball umpires, atomic scientists,
and business executives, maybe someday they can master parallel
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
Oh my God, the dead have risen and they're voting Republican.
Oh, Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz
My friends all drive Porsches, I must make amends.
Oh, now there's only one kind of love that lasts. That's unrequited
love. It stays with you forever.
Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternatives.
On 77th birthday.
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can
be done just as easily lying down.
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential
food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999
Operator, give me the number for 911!
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any
club that will accept me as a member.
Please do not shoot the pianist. He is doing his best.
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
Put the key of despair into the lock of apathy. Turn the knob
of mediocrity slowly and open the gates of despondency - welcome
to a day in the average office.
Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never
win and never quit are idiots.
Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning.
George W Bush
Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth
Remember the 3 golden rules: 1. It was like that when I got
here. 2. I didn't do it. 3. (To your Boss) I like your style.
Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.
Remember, it doesn't matter whether you win or lose; what
matters is whether I win or lose.
Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a
Say what you want about long dresses, but they cover a multitude
See what will happen if you don't stop biting your fingernails?
To his niece on seeing the Venus de Milo.
Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes,
sometimes you take the meal seriously.
She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
She wears her clothes as if they were thrown on with a pitchfork.