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Topic: Funny Quotes - Funny Sayings, Funniest Quotes C-G
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Chanel No. 5.
Marilyn Monroe
Asked what she wore in bed.

Children nowadays are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannise their teachers.
Socrates

Children really brighten up a household - they never turn the lights off.
Ralph Bus

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Mark Twain

Communism is like prohibition, it's a good idea but it won't work.
Will Rogers

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Spike Milligan

Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.
Brendan Behan

Dancing: the vertical expression of a horizontal desire.
George Bernard Shaw

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.
Will Rogers

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house.
Henny Youngman

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.
Woody Allen

Don't have a cow, man.
Bart Simpson

Don't keep a man guessing too long - he's sure to find the answer somewhere else.
Mae West

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.
Groucho Marx

Don't marry a man to reform him - that's what reform schools are for.
Mae West

Don't talk to me about Naval tradition! It's nothing but rum, sodomy and the lash.
Winston Churchill

The key is not to think of death as an end. But think of it more as a very effective way of cutting down on your expenses.
Woody Allen

Don't worry. Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep. In a giant blender.
Homer Simpson

Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Homer Simpson

Dublin University contains the cream of Ireland - rich and thick.
Samuel Beckett

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
Carl Zwanzig

Eagles may soar high, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
John Benfield

Eat my shorts.
Bart Simpson

English - Who needs that? I'm never going to England!
Homer Simpson

Epitaph for a dead waiter - God finally caught his eye.
George S. Kaufman

Eternity is really long, especially near the end.
Woody Allen

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Will Rogers

Every man over forty is a scoundrel.
George Bernard Shaw

Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.
Charles D. Warner

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Will Rogers

Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes.
Oscar Wilde

First law on holes - when you're in one, stop digging.
Denis Healey

Football is all very well a good game for rough girls, but not for delicate boys.
Oscar Wilde

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.
Woody Allen

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
John F. Kennedy

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Groucho Marx

Give a man a free hand and he'll try to put it all over you.
Mae West

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet!
Saint Augustine

Giving up smoking is easy. I've done it hundreds of times.
Author Unknown
Often erroneously attributed to Mark Twain.

Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
Mae West

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Will Rogers

'Goodness, what beautiful diamonds!' 'Goodness had nothing to do with it'.
Mae West

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