I'm not saying the wife's ugly, but last christmas she stood under the mistle toe waiting for someone to kiss and she was still there at lent. In fact she went to see that film the Elephant Man and the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.
Les Dawson

Be kind to your mother-in-law, but pay for her board at some good hotel.
Josh Billings

Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law.
Hubert H. Humphrey

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.
Henry Youngman

Honolulu? Well, it's got everything: sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.
Ken Dodd

My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home and found us in bed together.
Lenny Bruce

Tomorrow it's the mother-in-law's funeral...and she's cancelled it.
Les Dawson

I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months. I don't like to interrupt her.
Ken Dodd

But there, everything has its drawbacks, as the man said when his mother-in-law died, and they came down upon him for the funeral expenses.
Jerome K. Jerome

Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
Henry Louis Mencken

I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.
Les Dawson

They say the definition of ambivalence is watching your mother-in-law drive over a cliff in your new Cadillac.
David Mamet

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'
Joan Rivers

The wife's Mother said, 'When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.' I said: 'Good, I'm being buried at sea.'
Les Dawson

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
Henny Youngman

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Phyllis Diller

My mother-in-law was with me during all four of my births and when she was sitting next to me holding my hand during the cesareans, well, I craved that.
Patricia Heaton

I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussard's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said, 'Keep her moving sir, we're stock-taking'
Les Dawson

A mother-in-law is better than a single and childless political persona, though.
Vladimir Zhirinovsky

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
Les Dawson

Adam was the luckiest man in the world - he had no mother-in-law.
Sholom Aleichem

English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is our idea of useless legislation.
Author Unknown

I should, many a good day, have blown my brains out, but for the recollection that it would have given pleasure to my mother-in-law; and, even then, if I could have been certain to haunt her - but I won't dwell upon these trifling family matters.
Lord Byron

Never rely on the glory of the morning nor the smiles of your mother-in-law.
Japanese Proverb

Back of every achievement is a proud wife and a surprised mother-in-law.
Brooks Hays

If you have a mother-in-law with only one eye and she has it in the center of her forehead, don't keep her in the living room.
Lyndon B. Johnson

The mother-in-law frequently forgets that she was a daughter-in-law.
Author Unknown

Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton.
Author Unknown